Category Archives: adoption

When You Need Me…an open letter to adoptive parents

Why Adopted Children Get Overswhelmed

This post is by guest blogger–Connie Dawson, Ph.D., LPC. Connie is an adopted person and is my hero in the field of adoption. She is the author of HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH? Raising Likable, Responsible Children–from Toddlers to Teens–In an Age of Overindulgence, and SHAME–Rewriting the Rules. This post is from an article in Jewel Among Jewels Adoption Network News, published from 1994-2000.

In the natural order of things, parents are supposed to take good enough care of their own needs so they can be fully available to pay good attention to what a child needs.

When you expect me to meet your needs because you are not willing to meet your own, I may decide to “handle” the painful reality that my needs are not as important as yours, I had best deny mine and pay attention to yours. Deny what I need in order to deserve to be cared for by you.

After all, when I come to you, I am already very afraid. To be taken from one’s mother, from familiar sounds, smells, and rhythms, is terrorizing. This is the most abject fear..,.and I am totally helpless to do anything about it. What will happen to me? Surely, I am going to die. This cannot be right.

Imagine if a stranger were to come to your house when you were two years old. The stranger picks you up and carries you away. No protest you can make will make them take you back. What are your feelings?

And, what can I decide about myself and about you, my new parents, whoever you are? In my determination to survive, I make a primitive decision.

When you need me
to make you whole
to give meaning to your life
to heal your pain…
I feel overwhelmed.

If I have a temperament which favors tranquility and security, I may decide to work as hard as I can to meet your needs. In doing so, I will withhold enough of myself from you to feel safe because I don’t trust you. I will look good but not believe I am good. I am your servant. I do not believe I deserve to succeed or be competent for myself. I don’t believe in my own ability to be competent because the competence that you reward is my competence to meet your needs. At that I can never succeed. Not truly succeed. I can’t do for you what you are not willing to do for yourself.

If my temperament rests on asserting my right to challenge my caregivers for seeing me and my world through their need, I might be so openly resent my actions in every way possible would say, “Go and get your own life. This one is mine.” I will unconsciously try my best to make sure you fail as a parent. Perhaps, in the hope that the world will notice that you are expecting too much of me.

I might also, at some time, feel so bereft of any hope that you will ever acknowledge me for who I am and not just for what I can do for you, I may “go passive” and withdraw from active involvement in my life, and in yours.

What is the best thing you can do for me? It’s challenging. Take care of your own unfinished business. Do your grieving. Get help to heal your wounds so they don’t become mine.

Learn what you need and get those needs met in ways that don’t hurt anyone.

Identify the helpful and unhelpful parenting YOU received and get help to change the unhelpful stuff so you don’t pass it on.

Be truthful with yourself and with others. Don’t lie about my birth family so you don’t have to face . up to your responsibilities. Don’t be sneaky and manipulative. Find your character and your integrity and use both to make decisions and take actions you will be proud of.

Perhaps most important of all, be a safe container for me. I have a primitive belief that if my birthmother sent me away, I must have been too much for her to handle. If you are frail or depressed or tentative, if I can push you around or if I think you don’t have a good sense of yourself, I won’t be able to trust you. I will still think I am too much to handle and I’ll have to shut myself down to match you or strike out recklessly in all directions.

And, when I am an adult, one of the ways you can deepen our relationship is to support my need to search out my genetic heritage. To do so is to send a powerful message to me that my needs are important and that you love me.

When you do these things, I am more inclined to trust and love you. If you need me too much, I will hold back, to my regret and yours.

 

Look Beneath Your Adopted & Foster Child’s Smile on the First Day of School

Scan0005Parents, when the first day of school comes and the big yellow bus pulls up, I bet you’ll have a huge lump in your throat.

Yes, summer was hectic, but in a good way. Am I not right? You’ve probably been busier than a one-armed paperhanger getting everything ready to send your child off, but it’s all good for that kid you adore.

Who was it that said, “Parenting is a lifetime of letting go?” In my seventh decade of life, I am still letting go as a mom and Mimi.

Hey, there’s something I’ve gotta share with you before that first day of school.

It’s something that most parents don’t know. It’s not talked about in your training by social workers, yet it is incredibly real for adopted and foster children when entering new situations.

I know…because I am an adopted person.

And, because I know, I want you to know. You and your children are my passion. I want you to be as connected and close as is humanly possible.

Decades ago, on my first day of second grade, we drove to the Kirvan’s house for an official photo of all us neighborhood kids.

I am the smiley one on the far right, with the front teeth missing.

A picture of confidence, right? It looks like I could hardly wait to meet my new teacher and classmates.

Looking Beneath the Smile

However, beneath the big smile is panic and fear of new places. New situations. New people.

The unknown!

Looking back, my thoughts would have been like this:

    • What will my teacher be like?
    • Will she know that I was adopted, or that I am a foster kid?
    • Where will I sit?
    • Will there be a place for me?
    • What will the kids be like?
    • Will my teacher find out I’m not very smart?
    • Will I be able to not get mad?
    • Will I be able to not have a meltdown?

Parents, going into a strange, new place is a huge trigger for your adopted or foster child. New places make our hearts beat fast and our mouths get dry, like cotton. Our bodies may tense as we go to our “happy place” (numbed out).

Personally, every new situation feels like I’ve been thrown in the deep end of the pool, with no swimming skills. My adoption, marriage, mothering, grand mothering, etc.

What Parents Can Do

So, what can a parent do? You probably feel helpless, but you’re not.

First, talk. Talk openly and directly to your child about possible fears. Use my list if you like, for a springboard. Your child wants you to ask. Be proactive!

Second, affirm, affirm, affirm any emotion or statement your child makes. Validate her emotional reality. “It’s alright that you feel so scared.”

Third, become your child’s number one cheerleader in life. Study him like a precious jewel so that you can storm heaven’s gates on his behalf. And, let him know you’re doing this for him.

And, forth…assure your child that God will turn that fear into faith. Teach her that those with the greatest fears have the deepest potential for faith.

I’ll be thinking of you in the days ahead, parents.

Preparing Your Adopted/Foster Child for School Bullies

I’m thinking about your kids going off to school and some of the jeers they may experience from bullies:

  • Where do your real parents live?
  • Why is your skin a different color than your parents?
  • When are you going back to the place where bananas grow?
  • Why didn’t your real parents want you?
  • How come your hair is so curly? How do you comb it?

The thought of your child being bullied must make you nervous. You are like mama and papa bears and would do anything to protect that child of yours.

However, you won’t be there.

You won’t be there, but there are two practical things you and your child can do to prepare for such times.

First, you can make “story stones.”

STORY STONES

IMG_1309

I love this activity because you can do it together as a project.

Here’s how:

  • Gather 20-30 river rocks, at least 3″ in diameter. You can get them at Menard’s or Michael’s.
  • Purchase a plastic box with a lid large enough to hold the rocks.
  • Get a magic marker/s. (do they still call it this?).

Then, together with your child, draw on the river rocks:

  • Different people
  • Buildings (school, church, jail, hospital etc)
  • “Feelings” (happy, sad, mad, scared)
  • Vehicles (car, jeep, ambulance, fire truck)

When complete, encourage your child to create his own story with the rocks.

This is where parents step back and watch the creative juices flow in your children.

You will see your child come alive as he chooses the river stones to accompany the thoughts about adoption that come to mind.

Of course, you’ll be applauding and affirming all the way. I can just see you!

IMG_1311

This method will instill your child’s creative story his his heart, rather than trying to memorize facts about his adoption or what he thinks others expect him to say.

I now share my adoption story by saying, “I relish the fact that I was adopted!”

There’s another tool I know you’ll appreciate if you aren ‘t familiar with it yet. In the past, whenever speaking, I taught it.

The WISE-UP POWER WORKBOOK

WISE-UP-powerbook-for-foster-care-502x634

Another effective tool helps your child set healthy boundaries. Created by the Center for Adoption Support and Education, it’s a hands-on approach to help your child remember four healthy choices for when others are mean and hurtful.

The first choice is:

W=Walk Away

Not long ago, I spoke with a teen adoptee about bullying. When I told him he could just walk away, he was shocked. He couldn’t imagine doing that. The explanation is that when you turn your back and walk away, it says to the other person, “What you did was hurtful and inappropriate and I will not take it.”

The second choice:

I=It’s Private

Perhaps your daughter is asked who her real parents are. She can put her fingers up to her lips, and say, “Ya know what? That’s private.” Then, walk away.

S=Share

Third choice:

Maybe another child is just curious about your child’s story. You can teach your child to first ask himself if he feels comfortable sharing. If so, he can share something personal, such as, “I was adopted from Russia.” Assure your child that he doesn’t have to tell the whole story. Share one tidbit and see how the listener responds. Only share more if your child feels safe.

The last choice:

E=Educate about adoption.

I love thinking about nasty kids being educated about adoption. “Did you know that 60% of families in the US are touched by adoption?” That might make the bully’s chin drop. If he comes back with another bullying statement, go for Walk Away.

 

 

 

 

What Adoptees Can Do with Mixed Feelings

Regulating Mixed Feelings

Dear friends,

Yesterday, I posted statements that cause mixed feelings (painful feelings) in adoptees.

Today, let’s talk about concrete steps for dealing with the mixed up, finger-over-the-blackboard feelings:

Journal

Record your current circumstances in a journal. Maybe call it your “finger-over-the-blackboard” notebook?

Create Self-Portrait

Or how about getting a huge piece of paper? Then, have someone trace your whole body. When the drawing is complete and you are alone, write down the painful, conflicting feelings that are coming from your head and heart.

Identify the Trigger

Then, draw the people and messages that are prompting the mixed feelings and label the physical effects on your body…don’t forget…the beautiful brain is so important.

When completed, title your portrait in big letters:

ALL OF MY FEELINGS ARE REAL AND OKAY.

Regulate Emotions

Say to yourself, “I am remembering something painful. But that was then, and this is now.” (Isn’t there a song by that name?) This technique will reign in your emotions and mind so you don’t lose control with a meltdown or depression.

Choose

Now, my friends, look at this site’s menu above. Click “List of Adoptee Choices.”

Tell me which of the 20 choices you would choose, either for yourself, or your child.

Love to you all!

 

Why Do Adoptees Overextend Themselves?

I could just hear Bob saying, “You didn’t have to do that, Sherrie.”

Such a familiar phrase.

He said it when:

  • I accompanied a fellow adoptee up the steps of the Indiana Capitol building when I was just 10 days out of knee replacement surgery.
  • I invited neighbors in for wine and cheese on the day I got home from my second knee replacement.

You, see, I love to give, give, give.

I give because I want others to feel special or to help lift a heavy burden from their shoulders.

That’s my nature.

Overextending

I also overextend, go the extra mile, and do what my heart tells me.

Just about every fellow adoptee I know has similar desires. My friend, Jody, and I laughed at ourselves one evening long ago when we gathered for a meeting. We were the only ones that brought a gift and we wondered at the time if that trait is characteristic of many adoptees.

Why is it that we are such givers? Why do we over-extend ourselves? Why do we work like dogs?

No matter what the cost, be it rain or shine, by golly, we will be there. We are as faithful as the day is long.

You Didn’t Have to Do That

Yesterday, I was reminded of Bob’s admonition.

While preparing for a meeting at our home, I baked homemade blueberry muffins, washed and used my mom’s china tea cups, picked fresh flowers from the garden, and served salami, cheese, and crackers because the meeting went longer than expected.

The dear women who attended didn’t care if we sipped coffee out of mom’s china tea cups.  They didn’t care if the muffins were homemade. They were simply there to start planning a community outreach.

But, I cared!

Big time.

Aha! I think we’re getting down to some issues.

Addictive Thinking

First, I get an absolute “high” when I use mom’s tea cups or bake homemade muffins. It is my way of saying, “You are special.”

The high?

That can be characteristic of addictive thinking.

Second, why am I exhausted after over giving? Why am I spent? Isn’t that what God calls us to do and be? To love others more than we love ourselves.

No…God says to love others as we love ourselves.

Because I care more about the needs of others than I do my own. I sacrifice my health for others. I would get zero on a quiz about self care.

But, what if others don’t feel special or know that burdens have lifted?

Anger

Honestly, in my exhaustion, I get mad. Really mad.

Over the years of being an over-giver, I have discovered that when I am in need, people don’t serve me coffee in their mom’s china tea cups. They don’t accompany me by post-op hobbling up Capitol steps.  Nor, do they come bringing wine and cheese when I’m a few days out of knee replacement surgery.

They never meet my expectations.

How could others be so unthoughtful?

I expected tit for tat. I thought if I did it for them, then they would certainly do it for me.

That is stinking thinking.

I believe what our hearts are saying, fellow adoptees, is: ” I want to feel special. I am the one that needs help, not only up Capitol steps, but every step of the way. I am the one who wants to have wine and cheese brought to me.

Someday, that will happen.

Jesus is preparing something phenomenal for those that love Him–a wedding banquet in heaven.

And, in my adoptee heart, I believe He’ll be serving coffee… in exquisite china tea cups.

I’ll feel special, not because of the tea cups, but because of the nail-scarred hands that pour the heavenly coffee.

I can’t wait!

 

 

 

 

An Adoptee’s Search for the Missing Face

Finding the MIssing FAce

An adoptee searches for a face in a crowd that resembles her own.

If we could only see the face of the lost birth mother/father, the hurt would magically disappear. The grief would be resolved and the life-long repercussions of traumatic adoption loss would be mitigated.

Oops…adoptee fantasy.

True, those who have found the missing face through reunion have experienced much healing. Seeing that missing face brings validation and healing.

But, there is more.

There is still that deep searching within the adoptee heart.

Ask any who have found the missing face if the healing is complete.

Does an adoptee automatically feel “unadopted?”

No, the adoptee is just red-faced when asked.

Though we may search, reunite, and even enjoy one another, there is still an ache within for another missing face.

Ecclesiastes 3: 11 says, “He has put eternity into mans’s heart.”

It is the face of the One in whose image we were created. The face of the One who loved us so much that He died for us. It is the face of Jesus Christ.

The moment we see Him face to face in heaven, every need will be satisfied, every tear wiped away.

Perhaps, David was referring to this when he penned the words of Psalm 17:15?

“And I–in righteousness will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness.”

Exodus 33:11 says there was only one person in the course of history who didn’t have to wait until heaven to see God face to face.

How interesting that the person was Moses, an adoptee.

 

Why Do Many Adoptees Feel Guilty?

Get Rid of False Guilt

Dear friends through adoption,
Many of us adoptees suffer from haunting guilt. Oh, we won’t tell you about it, but it’s there, like a sticky shadow.

Guilt-Producing Beliefs

Some of the things we feel guilty for are:

  • YOU are responsible! (You were an unplanned pregnancy)
  • You have no right to be alive
  • You must justify your existence by helping others
  • The pain and shame of birth parents is our fault
  • You haven’t confessed all your sins

The truth is that these are the messages of false guilt, which adoptees have plenty of.

Difference Between False and True Guilt

There is a solid difference between false and true guilt.

False guilt won’t go away no matter how many times you confess wrong. True guilt will disappear the moment you confess a wrong-doing to God.

And so, the choice we must make to be rid of false guilt is:

Post-Adoption Care for Adoptees

Use this book as a post-adoption resource for adoptees. Chapters are named specifically about common problems, so you can read as needed.

CHOICE: Weed out false guilt and begin thinking about how to meet basic need for connection. (Chapter 12: 20 LIFE TRANSFORMING CHOICES ADOPTEES NEED TO MAKE)We will talk soon about how to actually weed out nasty false guilt.

For now, catch yourself on self-condemnation.

Remember…the Good Shepherd speaks only edifying words…condemnation comes from the enemy of your soul.

Suggested Resource: Focus on the Family http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/emotional-health/living-without-constant-guilt/the-origins-of-false-guilt?nosplash=1&utm_campaign=forums2016&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=forums

 

Detecting Trauma Triggers in Foster/Adopted Children

Dear friends through adoption,

I write this blog post with caution, knowing that this type of trauma–sexual abuse– doesn’t happen in the majority of adoptive/foster homes.

I’ve seen many parents weep with love for their children. They would rather suffer than have their children suffer.

But, for the loving, weeping parents, I beg you to not tune out to this message because there may be children in your area of influence that are suffering from sexual abuse. You can be an advocate for them on many levels.

In order to be free from this trauma, or any trauma, it is necessary to look for clues and try to uncover the triggering incidents.

This particular post focuses on sexual abuse as a trigger, but for adopted/foster children, there are many other triggers.

Common Adoptee Triggers

  • Entering new situations where child/teen/adult knows no one
  • Family gatherings when child would rather stay in room alone
  • Pre-birth wounds from a desperate mother trying to abort
  • Loss of a loved one, a pet
  • Saying goodbye

Being a newbie about this trauma stuff and being an adoptee who’s recently realized there is a smoke alarm going off in my brain, I have to think about the complexities of trauma in simple ways.

Then, I can learn to regulate out-of-control emotions and be the person I was created to be.

With that in mind, think about why adoptees and foster kids get triggered to the point of meltdowns or  shut downs.

Here’s a simple illustration of trauma.

Trauma Basics

Ten-year-old Jimmy, now living in his sixth foster home, rages on the floor, seemingly without reason.

Adoptees Can Understand What's Causing Meltdowns

Meltdowns can come from seemingly nowhere and make no sense to parents who are observing raging behavior.

His parents had no clue. Nothing could stop him.

After the rage, Jimmy’s sense of shame will spread, like mold in a musty basement. And, as he matures, he will wonder why he can’t control himself.

Is there something wrong with me? Is that why I was placed for adoption? Why do I get madder at things than my friends?

Here’s Jimmy’s backstory.

Finding Trauma Triggers

Dad abused Jimmy sexually and ordered that it be kept a secret.

A previous foster dad belonged to a bowling league that sported green team shirts. Jimmy dreamed of bowling on such a team.

On bowling nights, dad returned late, but Jimmy stayed awake to say goodnight.

Secrets

I know you can fill in the missing pieces here.

Something horrific happened that would haunt Jimmy for a lifetime. But, Jimmy followed dad’s orders to not talk about it to anyone.

And so. in the future, whenever Jimmy saw the color green, like his dad’s shirt, he raged, like a roaring freight train. He couldn’t control himself. It was like he went numb and was in another world.

Trauma Triggers Require Detective Work for Parents

Whenever Jimmy saw the color green, his mind flashed back to his bedroom and what happened to him there.

And so, green became Jimmy’s trigger.

It would take time and professional help for Jimmy to recover from this childhood trauma…or at least for his anger and shame to become manageable.

There was nothing wrong with Jimmy, even though he was convinced otherwise.

There was no hope in his heart that change was possible.

Recovery Is Possible

In time, however, through prayer and professional help, Jimmy could begin to see himself through God’s eyes… a jewel.

“On the day you were born, you were thrown out into an open field, unwanted. But, I came by and saw you lying there in your own blood, and I said, ‘Live, thrive, like a plant in the field. And, you did! You became a jewel among jewels.” (LB: Ezekiel 14:6-7).

Thus, we come to the first choice from the Choices book (above) that Jimmy must learn:

CHOICE: To claim both the positive and painful emotions as valid, and verbalize them. (Chapter 4: 20 LIFE TRANSFORMING CHOICES ADOPTEES NEED TO MAKE.)

Suggested Resource: THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE…Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, by Bessel Van der Kolk, M.D.

Leave a Reply

Logged in as SherrieLog out?

Thinking Logically Seems Impossible for Attachment Disordered Kids

Are you kidding? Logical thinking.

For years, I have struggled with what I believed was a character disorder. I can’t make up my mind because I can’t think logically. It affects every relationship in life. But, there is hope if we can identify and work on it together.

Dear friends through adoption…

Last week, Bob and I were painting my office. I got all the color chips and showed him the best colors.

Within two hours, I changed my mind, and by the next morning, again. The following day, other colors and then back to the first.

“I just can’t track with you!” Bob said, leaving the room, shaking his head. This tendency has been a huge stress between us over our 51 years of marriage. Yes, adoption is surely a lifelong journey.

Then, I proceeded to hit myself over the head with a Bible verse….let your “yes” be “yes” and your “no” be “no.”

Why couldn’t I do that? Was I a wimpy Christian? What would God think about my spinelessness, not only on paint colors, but lifelong choices? Would he reject me like my birth mother did at reunion?

For the first time I realize that this inability to think logically is symptomatic of reactive attachment disorder.

Later, with paint colors strewn over the floor, Bob and I talked about attachment disorder and reached a new understanding. Shame rolled off me, like water over Niagra Falls.

Just before choosing the paint, Bob held up different colors repeatedly and so patiently to help me decide.

I felt understood.

No shame.

We can work on attachment disorder as a team now…at least this symptom of it.

Oh, and by the way, God has a special place in his heart for those of us who struggle.

Love to all…

 

The Game Changer for My Attachment Disorder

Trauma=Smoke Alarm in Brain

You’d have anger issues and learning difficulties too if you had a smoke alarm going off in your brain.

Can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of your smoke alarm? Panic, right? Hasten to turn it off, right? Hate the loud, disturbing sound, right?

Adoptees and foster children live with a smoke alarm in their brains everyday, but no one knows it. Therefore, it doesn’t get turned off.

It goes off the moment we are taken away from our birth mothers. Or, for foster kids, multiple alarms go off over a span of time.

No one knows about the smoke alarm, nor do we.

We just live with it and it shows up in learning disorders, anger and rage issues, inability to think logically, sensory issues, stealing, lying, etc, etc.

What a relief it was for me to learn about this…even at the ripe old age of 72. Suddenly, all the stupid, wrong, clumsy, impulsive, idiotic things I have done throughout life washed away.

I felt God’s unconditional love.

I could see myself as a precious baby, a teen that had special needs that weren’t met, and an adult who has worked so hard to appear normal.

What a relief.

(Credit: Shefalie Chandra: Smoke Alarm)

 

My Set-Up for Reactive Attachment Disorder

Warm tears landed on my newborn body, like a spring rain.

I wanted to feel them forever.

To my once-orphaned delivery doctor, life was something to be celebrated, to shed happy tears over.

I couldn’t wait to feel his tears again.

What was it about those tears that soaked into my soul? Were they saturated with hope and comfort? Were they bright lights at the end of the traumatic tunnel of living my first nine months of life in the womb of a mother who fantasized abortion? Or, were they seeds, sown in secret, to produce a great harvest later in life?

Whatever it was, I wanted more.

Orphan Doctor held me up, gazed into my big brown eyes, and smiled.

But then Nurse Kratchit bent close to Orphan Doctor’s ear, whispering.

Orphan Doctor’s eyes pooled with tears.

What did she whisper?

Was there something wrong with me?

Was I ugly? Too little?

Is that why she suddenly whisked me off to a dimly-lit room where pleading and plaintiff cries hovered over me, like smog in LA?

Where was Orphan Doctor?

Where were those large, gentle hands that welcomed me to earth with orphan tears?

Why didn’t he come back?

Then, Nurse Kratchit shoved me into a box made of glass.

I kicked and screamed bloody murder, but the sounds of my cries bounced back at me, like ping pong balls.

No one hears.

And, so I give up and “go inside.” It’s safe in there.

Then, I hear Nurse Kratchit waslking near the glass box which was going to be my dwelling for ten days.

Proudly, she announces the name she’s chosen for me.

Baby X.

 

How To Get Past Kid Defenses When “Talking Adoption”

Dear Parents,
Sometimes your best-laid plans for talking adoption with your kids get sabotaged! Right? You’ve thought deeply about what to share/ask, determined the best time, and perhaps even rehearsed possible scenarios and outcomes.
The pre-planned time arrives and you ask, “How about talking about adoption for a few minutes?”
Many parents hear responses like these:
• “Nope.” Child then walks away or stares into space.
• “WHY do you keep asking me about adoption?” Adoptee exits room in a huff.
• “Adoption is NO BIG DEAL, mom!” Teen adoptee throws up hands.
• “I am happy that I was adopted. That’s all I need to know.” Adult or teen adoptee looks puzzled at your desire to talk more, like you’re a bit crazy?

This article is a letter from Sherrie to adoptive parents...from the NEW Forever Fingerprints

This article is a letter from Sherrie to adoptive parents…from the NEW Forever Fingerprints


Later, you may have a car full of kids and you’re making a left turn into the busiest intersection in the city. Above the chattering, you hear, “Why did my birth mother give me up for adoption?”
You take a deep breath as your heart races. If I could read your mind, you might be asking, “WHAT can I do?”
Allow me to give you some of the inside scoop about we adoptees. Many of us, myself included, can be downright tricky at times. We find it difficult to trust you or anybody, except ourselves. Basically, we are control freaks and just as traditional talk therapy with a clinician doesn’t reach us, neither do pre-planned adoption talks with parents.
So, what’s the answer for reaching defensive adoptees?
• Throw out pre-planned agendas for talking adoption.
• Learn to “think outside the box” about the timing. Be flexible!
• Identify real-life situations that can become springboards into deeper conversations with your child.
• Be patient with yourself. Developing this new set of skills takes time.
• Remember that your adopted child does want and need to talk but is scared.
Lucie, the main character of this book, along with her adoption -savvy parents, will show you how to talk adoption in a winsome way that will be welcomed by your child.
All best to you!
SherrieEldridge.com

La Historia de Moises

DSCN0016La madre de Moisés, Jochebed, siente sus primeros dolores de parto una tarde. Al llegar el atardecer nació un hermoso niño.
Era una experiencia dulce y amarga al mismo tiempo para ella, porque la muerte estaba asediando en su puerta.
El Faraón, el malvado rey de Egipto, desesperado para no dejar a los israelitas florecer y al final quitarle su trono, emitió un edicto. Ordeno a las parteras israelitas matar a todos los niños varones israelitas recién nacidos.
Sin embargo, las parteras por respeto y amor a Dios, hicieron lo contrario. Ellas dieron la bienvenida al mundo a los niños y los pusieron tiernamente en los pechos de sus madres.
Cuando el Faraón supo que las parteras estaban dejando vivir a los niños israelitas, se enfureció y ordeno que todos los bebes varones deberían ser ahogados en el Rió Nilo.
En el momento en que Jochebed empezó a amamantar al bebé su corazón empezó a latir fuertemente, porque ella escucho a los soldados egipcios pasar frente de su casa. ¿Qué debía hacer para que el bebe no llorara? Si los soldados lo escuchaban romperían la puerta y matarían al bebé inmediatamente.
Si solamente Amran estuviera en casa. El sabría que hacer. Pero él fue sometido a la esclavitud en el palacio de El Faraón trabajando como albañil. Que tristeza para él no estar presente en el nacimiento de su hijo.
Sabiendo que los soldados acechando afuera podían robar su bebe en cualquier momento, Jachebed rezó: Dios, por favor enséñame como voy a salvar la vida de mi bebe.” 1
Mientras que rezo, la idea vino a su mente de ponerlo adentro de una cesta protegido. “!SI!” ella dijo a Dios con sus brazos extendidos. “Esto es que voy hacer cuando llegue el momento.”
“Cuando ya no pudo seguir ocultándolo, preparó una cesta de papiro, sellándola con brea y alquitrán, colocó adentro al niño y fue a dejar la cesta entre los juncos que había a la orilla del Nilo” (3-4).
La hermana de Moisés, Miriam, quedó a cierta distancia para ver qué pasaría con él.
Al mismo tiempo, la hija de El Faraón, Hatshepsut fue al Rió Nilo para bañase y escuchó el llanto frenético de un bebe. “De pronto la hija del faraón vio la cesta entre los juncos, y ordenó a una de sus esclavas que fuera por ella. Cuando la hija del faraón abrió la cesta y vio allí adentro un niño que lloraba, le tuvo compasión” (v. 3-4).
1. La raíz de la palabra “llorar” (v. 6) es verter lágrimas, hacer duelo o sentimiento por alguna cosa, lamentar mucho y amargamente. ¿Porque piensas que Moisés estaba llorando?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. ¿Piensas que un bebe tan chico puede recordar algo? ¿Porque si o porque no?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3. ¿Como piensas que Moisés se sintió dentro de la canasta?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
4. ¿Porqué piensas qué la hija de El Faraón sintió compasión por Moisés? ¿Crees que por eso lo adopto?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
5. ¿Cómo piensas que Jochebed se sintió cuando puso a su amado bebe en el Río Nilo infestado de cocodrilos?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What Others Are Saying About Forever Fingerprints Book

Fingerprinting with newborn at Parker Hospital

Fingerprinting with newborn at Parker Hospital

How fun, as we anticipate the shiny new books coming from the printer, to receive endorsements from wonderful people. Since I’m doing radio with Rebecca Swan Vahle today on Family to Family, I thought you might enjoy what she says about Forever Fingerprints:

Mom holds newborn as they print her fingerprints in the book

Forever Fingerprints is my all-time favorite adoption book! It not only gives adoptive families a concrete way to talk to their kids about adoption, it also helps the child acknowledge and understand their forever connection to their birth parents. As an Adoption Liaison in the Parker Hospital BirthPlace, every adoption placement is honored with the use of the Forever Fingerprints book. Fingerprints in the front cover from both Mother and Child – and sometimes from Dad, mark the precious connection between these people that should be embraced and honored.

Pre-Order Now!

Pre-Order Now!

Rebecca Vahle, Founder and Adoption Liaison
Family to Family Adoption Support Program
Parker Adventist Hospital
Parker, CO

Pre-Order Here: goo.gl/CddHXQ

« Older Entries